I just looked at the date of my last blog. March 2016. I recently went to a “how to use social media” seminar night… and blogging was up there amongst the to-do’s. Mainly because if you are someone like me who shares the stories on Facebook alone, (or instagram etc)… those platforms are not owned by me, so they can easily disappear. Whereas my blog, is mine, and will always be here. Unless we blow up all computer devices/internet. So it’s best I start here again. I have bought a number of journals/books to write in… and they too, are sitting there with one or 2 entries.
I am supposed to be doing an assignment, it’s due on Monday. I am supposed to be packing up my rental townhouse, I am moving out, and want to be gone before the new rental prospects are bombarding with visits, and I will have to tidy up.
I am “supposed” to be a lot of things, and be doing a lot of things. So why am I writing this now? Oh I am good at procrastinating for sure. The queen.
So much has happened since last March, well, so much as happened since last week to be honest. I went back to nursing (casual) briefly, and have resigned from that position just recently. I have decided to move back home to my parents house, it suits all of us for a number of reasons. It makes me sad though that this means my children no longer live with me (well they can but it is a bit far from their lives etc right now, it doesn’t help them like that). One of my daughters left home to study a couple of years ago, she still lives locally thankfully, and it’s just been me and my eldest daughter. It’s kinda like I kicked her out, well that’s how I feel, even though that’s not what was meant. I am sure she will blossom on her own, finding her path, instead of cleaning up mine. I continue to paint when I can, do workshops, tattoo designs and commissions. I also do art with a lady who has dementia, on a weekly basis to provide a social setting for her and her passion. I have returned to study and am 1.5units off finishing a diploma of dementia care (I am not continuing with the Bachelor).
Am I a failure for returning home at 47?
Am I a failure for succumbing to stress (I diagnose myself with stress related physical pain, since the Drs cannot find a diagnosis). I don’t usually feel or exhibit stress (unless the assignment is due and the internet is down!!!… then there is noise, drama and things get thrown). But now the pain from 2 yrs ago is coming back, the swelling of my hands and feet, and the pain down my left side). It’s not as bad as I have recognised it sooner… however it’s bad enough to change things I have to do, need to do and would like to do. And the sense of failure. That has returned.
I actually asked for help recently, it felt like I was tearing apart my pride. Then when help was offered that went beyond what I asked for, I felt like I had sunk to the depths of uselessness.
Am I a failure as I don’t exercise anymore, that I have put on so much weight since study began and I started eating everything that was in the house, including the furniture possibly.. even if the food was healthy, the moderation part of eating went right out the window with the empty packages and banana skins. So now not only do I feel like a failure, I feel like I look like a failure. I chose to remain single after my divorce, as I couldn’t trust anyone, and didn’t want anything more to hurt my kids. The one time I let my guard down and let someone into our lives, he dumped me by text as I was… and I quote.. “too independent and needy”. Yep you read that right. That was about 5yrs ago. And I have sworn off that nonsense ever since.
Am I a failure because I have sworn off dating, but still feel lonely? Don’t get “lonely” confused with “bored”… I am never bored and always have a million things to do, or in my head to do. And I enjoy that. Am I destined to die a lonely, fat, crazy, manic woman, who never let it show that she felt like this?
Am I a failure as I am not going to re-read this and correct anything, or actually plan out what I wanted to say, I am just saying it? If it appears as ramble, rest assured it probably is.
In recent times I have been going to church. I have felt very welcomed and loved by the people who go there, and while I am there, I feel very peaceful. I am trying to bring that peace home with me, and so I am studying the Alpha course in a small group, hoping to find some answers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not so depressed I am thinking there is no way up, and I am fully aware there are so many other people far worse off than me. This is not a pity party, this is just confusion.
I am not writing this to ask for anything. I am writing this to get it out of my head, and to just say, behind a smile and the appearance of a strong woman, is the internal fight and ongoing negotiation to make my self get out of bed, to just keep going, and to find my purpose. I joke about not knowing what I want to do when I grow up… and to be honest, it’s both a joke and the sad reality. I am at a loss as to the purpose of my life, apart from bringing 2 gorgeous, talented, smart and kind daughters into the world, and raising them to adulthood. I am proud of that. To me, that is all I have done right. I feel all my decisions must have been wild silly ones. Those decisions have brought me to where I am right now. But what is that? Who is that? And why am I here.